Imagine that you approach a performer after a performance and say, You were great! That may land well, but if the performer was painfully aware of some mistakes, they may dismiss what you say as being uninformed and untrue. The open question isnt about whether discernment happens and is valuable, but about how it is likely to be useful to express this. . Well, given how reactive I was to a seemingly inescapable charge of violence, clearly some part of my psyche holds violence as "bad." Your partner either will not be sure what youre driving at, or will take umbrage at your not simply saying what you mean. I think it would be unfortunate if anyone understood this as a speech rule saying that one cant ever express or process interpretations. Many NVC practitioners express a need as a single word, in a way that isn't always as expressive an clear as it could be. You further say, "Yet, in making these judgments, we never say that we're doing so. CleanTalk uses protection methods which are invisible for The communicator is a sealed, air tight, wall mounted voice communicator. To address some of the issues youve raised, I think it will be helpful to offer a little more background on NVC as I understand it. So too, our identities are very much based on comparing ourselves to our peers, and to have the person we love say we dont stack up to them cuts at our sense of worth. The idea is to find a way to let go of blame and moralistic judgment while retaining the full importance of the underlying concerns that that blame and judgment was pointing towards. If the latter, it may spell the end; clean communication offers the best possible chance of relationship success, but doesnt guarantee it if you just arent right for each other. And, I have occasionally had experiences of people making concrete requests in ways that did seem to narrow the conversation to a limited set of options in a way I didnt enjoy. This doesnt mean you have to pretend your significant other is not at fault when they are, it just means you use language that says the same thing in a different way couching your message so that it actually has a chance to surmount their psychological walls and reach their brain. ALONG WITH . What Should You Do? "Oh boo-hoo. Regrettably, I imagine that many NVC practitioners do, some of the time, simply push away or suppress their moralistic judgments in ways that lead them to ultimately leak out in harmful ways. To a large extent, the NVC invitation to name our need is meant to address this issue. As an NVC practitioner, I engage my moralistic judgments and transform them into a more holistic and humane way of thinking about situations. I think this is why NVC encourages practitioners to transform their anger. In the mainstream paradigm, sometimes referred to as the domination paradigm: In the partnership paradigm that NVC tries to support: Let me define a few terms, from an NVC-inspired perspective. Consider your first example, in which I ask you to buy milk on your way home, and I hear you say you will, and you arrive home without it. Checking in with yourself about your own needs, you realize that your upset is linked to how much it would support ease and comfort in your relationship to have dependability, and trust that each of us will do what we say well do. Work opportunities - job leads that maybe in your area. There is, of course, a danger that someone may not transform their anger, yet misinterpret NVC to mean they should pretend they're not angry, and this may lead to some of the sort of negative consequences you're concerned about. It may be helpful to review what I said above about what the technical term need refers to in NVC. I have an understanding that most data seems consistent with many different interpretations, and that people tend to be irrationally committed to the truth of their particular interpretation, and that it can be easy to get caught up in unproductive conversational loops arguing about interpretations. If one combines the assertions Joe did something violent and Violence is harmful and the implicit Harming is bad and wrong, then it is a slippery slope to condemning Joe and thinking that this is right and natural. In the example you offered, the inaccuracy could also have been exposed by sharing an observation such as "You didn't call me" without layering on judgment (pejorative speculation about others reasons) by saying "You couldn't be bothered to call me.". This is a matter of sensing what is important to us in a judgment, and finding a new, more satisfying way of thinking about the issue which fully honors what is important to us, and which also honors the humanity of everyone involved. There is an intermediate step, if one hasnt gone through this sort of processing: One can remind oneself that our anger isnt the full truth of the situation, and that the blame component of what we feel is only there because we havent done the work to understand the situation more deeply. Text. We also offer strategy and execution for integrated marketing communication programs, including brand journalism, public relations, influencer engagement and content marketing. . I invite you to let me know. Id like to share some of what comes up for me, in reading your essay. Functionally, one might think this is equivalent to saying that "violence is bad in some ways." There are some things that Rosenberg spoke about with less precision than I would like, and anger is one of them. The Illinois Clean Jobs Coalition says buildings that burn natural gas account for about two-thirds of harmful carbon emissions in Chicago. Anti-Spam module by CleanTalk to protect your Drupal sites from spambot registration and spam comments publications thru comment and contact forms. And one of the most important factors in creating and sustaining these warm, intimate relationships is communication. Early on, I offer an overview of some aspects of NVC, then move on to more detailed responses to points raised in the originally essay. Oftentimes, you may think youre getting your message across to your significant other, but the result is a big miscommunication. Id like for us to be more committed as a couple and to know what you think about the future of our relationship [Needs]., Just as a partial message can be misconstrued, so too can a contaminated message. Its easier to associate with our own inner wisdom about what works for us. Its assumed that it makes sense to look for ways to honor everyones needs, so that (to a very real extent) there are no winners and losers everyone gets to win. Posted Dec 2022 4:47 TED-Ed 4 things all great listeners know . That said, I have (only infrequently) had an experience of an NVC practitioner (who I assess as not very skilled) being so focused on reflecting feelings and needs that they couldn't "get" the meaning I was wanting to share with them. Or, if the performer believes it when they hear You were great! it means buying into a frame where others get to determine how they feel about what theyve done, and theyll subsequently be more vulnerable to believing it when someone criticizes them, however unfairly. Realizing that you want this for them as well, you may feel some tenderness towards them, and find that much of the energy of blame and judgment towards them drains away even as you continue to really want dependability and trust. | CleanTalk is a SaaS spam protection service for Web sites. I can easily imagine a context in which the words you quote might have been said. Fight spam! These are innovators focused on disruptive clean technologies who know a strong brand is the pathway to a high valuation. But what actually comes out of our mouths may only be a slice of that bigger picture a partial fragment that is then misconstrued by our partner. Some NVC practitioners are able to integrate their use of connection skills with keeping a focus on the purpose they are attending to, and this can result in a high degree of effectiveness. I feel frustrated reading this, in the way that it seems to misinterpret what NVC is advising us to do or not do. In an earlier section, you quoted Rosenberg as being willing to say "'I am fearful of the use of violence to resolve conflicts; I value the resolution of human conflicts through other means." "You'd probably feel better if you got off your fat, lazy ass and . That implicit distinction is what allowed him to talk about the dangers of focusing on thought (in Relationship Talk), while demonstrating adroit thinking (in Concept Mapping Talk), without there being any actual contradiction. That said, I would typically advise students to be selective about where they use the verbal forms of NVC, but to practice the mental part seeing situations through a different lens much more often, i.e., whenever issues of values and conflict arise. The Talk-Through Communicator Window allows direct and line-of-site discussions between persons whom are in opposing areas, making it ideal for gown-rooms, cleanrooms, hospital, laboratories and other similar environments. Dr. Rosenberg had a habit of sometimes saying things that were shockingly extreme, I think as a way of trying to jar people out of well-established mental ruts. So, I suppose it is naturally that there are words that are in a grey zone slightly but not extremely charged, and naming important experiences that are hard to point to otherwise so that they get included on NVC feelings lists, and it is hoped that the practitioner will use discernment about whether it is likely to be helpful or unhelpful to use that word in the context of a particular conversation. Youve always had this flaw, and its not getting any better. Here are some examples: When youre addressing a certain problem, stick with the issue at hand instead of slinging mud, or engaging in what my friend calls closet-fighting i.e., reaching back into the closet of your past for old grievances to buttress your current accusations. Gain access to our free classifieds marketplace to buy, sell and trade equipment. I notice that tired doesnt have clear non -ed alternatives there is exhausted but that has an -ed, and sleepy doesnt mean the same thing. Your Clean Talk examples provides a context that can soften this response but one can go further towards . And, it's likely this story was offered as an antidote to those who chronically under-prioritize connection. CleanTalk Awards. I have seen this particularly in the context of meetings. (You might download a study of how NVC has been demonstrated to increase effectiveness in an organizational setting.) What are the principles of clean communication? You say that the Magician is the "head" or "mind" part of us, and share some quotes in which Marshall says". They accomplish this mission but at the expense of trust and intimacy. It doesn't seem to occur to either the principal or Dr. Rosenberg that the goal of attending the meeting need not be summarily dropped in favor of spending an unspecified length of time with the student, that the situation might be a both/and rather than an either/or." Resurrecting old beefs will ratchet up the intensity of your discussion, and will invariably send it off in a different direction and away from resolving the original issue. To some extend this can and does work and sometimes it doesnt. nwcompass~org?subject=Feedback%20on%20your%20NCC%20post%3A%20Response%20to%20a%20comparison%20of%20Clean%20Talk%20and%20NVC, A Comparison of Clean Talk and Nonviolent Communication (NVC), nwcompass.org/bob-wentworth/blog/cleantalk-nvc-response/, Response to a comparison of Clean Talk and NVC. I don't know how to make sense of a standard that would imply we have to (impossibly) say everything we are doing, or be judged as being violent. 26. Is this a time you could hear me? as an example of Clean Talk. I'm tired of your perpetual 'poor me' attitude.". Do you really think thats a good idea?. However, my hope is that NVC practitioners will express interpretations in contexts where it is useful to do so, and be willing to listen to interpretation, and treat them as invitations to carry the conversation somewhere deeper. In an example that I find surprising, Dr. Rosenberg won't say that in his opinion violence is harmful, as this would be a 'moralistic judgment' (p.17). NVC cautions that it's essential to empowerment and personal freedom to recognize that emotions don't only reflect what happens outside us, but also reflect the stories we have made up about what we've observed, associations we have with unhealed pain from the past, and our assessments of how what is happening is likely to meet or not meet our needs. NVC isnt a narrow tool that is just about communication; in some way, its more like developing a meditation practice. NVC seems to often be able to transform conflicts without wading too far into the interpretations. I don't have a sense that this is a problem that commonly arises in the ways that people try to put NVC into practice, but I would be interested to learn if it occurs more commonly than I'm currently aware of. Note to self: There could be value in articulating more explicitly when to use the model." With those who dont know NVC, its a way of inviting them into our non-blaming conversational frame. Note to self: If one were to invite people to name judgments rather than allowing them to hide in the shadow, this might be the way to do it. New Dawn Works is open Mon, Tue, Wed, Thu, Fri, Sat, Sun. Whole messages consist of 4 parts: We havent been spending as much time together [Observation]. And, Im wondering what additional measures might support safety/nonviolence? People are understood as having powerful intrinsic motivation to contribute to life and to one anothers well-being, which can blossom when these impulses are not being dampened by a coercive milieu. Personally, I dont think that has anything to do with why he offers the advice he does. Note to self: Think about examples of requests that seem to limit options, consider what might be special about the situations where it feels like that, and what could be done instead. You say "in some situations [Rosenberg] seems to suggest that connection is all that matters and that it is better to drop boundaries rather than risk losing connection [He]tells a story about a school principal who comes upon a dejected student while hurrying to join an important meeting for which she is quite late. This talk through window allows for both visual and oral communication even when mounted in a solid wall. But blanket condemnations of your partners character are anathema to a loving relationship. Thanks for reaching out! This could equally well be an example of NVC. I think that is both unnecessary and unwise." You talk about people being "uncomfortable using the word judgment and offer contexts in which it might be comfortable to use the word I am a little puzzled by why this subsection is there do you think that Rosenbergs position has something to do with being uncomfortable using the word judgment? Here, I offer a detailed (and long) response to that essay. I feel a little embarrassed, relieved to be clearer about what is happening, and hopeful that this act of transparency might in some way be useful.). These seem analogous to the sort of judgments that you are concerned about an NVC practitioner not expressing. Yes and they are also signals concerning what is going on inside us, about how we have processed the information about what is going on around us. Loving relationships are the most important factor in a mans happiness, success, and ability to live a fully flourishing life. Note to self: Consider seeking more understanding around this point, to support assessing whether this is something I feel would add useful clarity. On the other hand, if I asked Are you able to give me a ride? this wouldnt seem to risk any assumptions about ability, but there would be a risk that the person would think Im implying that they should say yes if they are physically able to comply, even if they dont actually want to. I think he was trying to express his sense that a certain stance of the heart was the true key to navigating human relationships in a way that would align with our deepest aspirations. That said, I see some advantages to the way Clean Talk seems to frame this. "Be present, open up, and do what's important," is the shorthand for the skills and . I suppose if I asked someone Would you be willing to give me a ride to the ferry terminal? they might say, Id be willing, but I dont have a car. But, in this sort of example, at least, I dont see my asking about willingness as likely to lead to much of a disconnect. NVC invites us to move out of the frame in which good/bad is the only means of expressing our enjoyment of others actions, and to provide more useful information to support others in understanding what we mean. These are portrayed as objective standards divorced from subjective experience, and are deeply associated with extrinsic reward and punishment, social approval and disapproval. I think the section you referenced to come to this conclusion might be better summarized as Dr. being connected to what is important to us, conceptually and energetically; seeing the humanity in one another, and relating to one another with an open heart; increasing flexibility, suggesting the possibility of a variety of concrete ways of addressing what matters to us; thinking and talking about what matters to us in a way that, unlike the use of moralistic language," need not trigger painful associations with a sense of danger of social disapproval or punishment. What is skillful around duration of speaking or listening depends on context. I've learned that I enjoy human beings more if I don't hear what they think." ), All of these concepts involve discernment, or determination of what it makes sense to believe. As alluded to above, I think you are severely misinterpreting NVC's stance on "praise and compliments." I think that this overstates the role of emotion, by neglecting the centrality that Dr. Rosenberg gives to focusing on needs, i.e., onconnection to the deepest values that motivate ourselves and others. Such zingers aim to point our their flaws and tear down their worth. I might or might not share that I was initially angry, as a way of helping the other person understand my full experience, but I wouldnt be dumping my angry energy on them, and Id ideally be speaking from a deeper, more loving place, holding both them and myself with care. This framework is less tied to coercive associations with there being one right/objective perspective, and with searching for who to give social approval to and who to punish with disapproval. Note to self: Would it be useful to include anything in my NVC teaching about checking out our beliefs about what we think is going on? However, anger would typically be a fast, transient emotion, if it weren't for periodic injections of thought that re-stimulate our anger. We collaborate with founders and company leadership who have ambitions that align with our own to blaze a new path forward. The 10 Commandments of Clean Communication. Under other circumstances, I willingly share interpretations. ACT, as the name implies, is an active therapy, directed toward living fully while accepting what is not within our control and committing to actions that are within our control to make life meaningful and fulfilling. 8. seeming condescending the tonality one uses can affect how this is received. The result highly resilient work partnerships that produce positive performance. Global labels can feel highly satisfying to hurl at someone when youre angry and can seem completely justifiable at the time. I seldom use this sort of labeling anymore, and I think this is true of many NVC trainers. CleanTalk provides not only anti-spam plugins for websites. Cleantech Communication is uniquely qualified to articulate brand stories that balance complex science and engineering advances with aspirational sustainability goals. The main risk is that, when anger is expressed, the listener is likely to infer the presence of blame and moralistic judgment, and this typically stimulates defensiveness in ways that are likely to interfere with optimal communication. In its earlier phases, it looked more like Clean Talk than it does now, and potentially included judgments, so long as they were fully owned." The top U.S. and China economic officials held their first face-to-face meeting Wednesday, pledging to improve communication as a way to avoid more serious confrontation during a period of heightened This is a case where the difference in the models likely explains the differences in the lists of what are considered feelings. Clean Talk includes the option of expressing judgments when they are clearly labeled as such. ", (I notice that last statement seemed to be sort of a "dig", rather than a straightforward communication, so I want to pause to check on what's going on in me. Some such words have alternate forms, e.g., disappointment or disgust or shock; perhaps using these formswithout -edwould be more congruent with self-responsibility? Speaking about a workshop demonstration of NVC, you say, "I saw no way for the mother to state without the use of judgments that her daughter had broken the law and endangered the safety of herself and others. It would have been perfectly in line with NVC for the mother to express her wish for safety (as a need), and the legal aspect could have been named as an observation though the form of an NVC expression would have invited the mother to go further into how concerns about legality impacted her at the emotional and needs levels. I suspect this may be a consequence of unspoken moralistic judgments being present, underneath the words. You write, "It's my belief that when we attempt to hide our judgments, they emerge anyway. Its true that NVC makes it harder to shame someone, if that is one's intention but, Im not sure that shaming produces the effects a parent would really want to produce if they thought about all aspects of their childs situation. Im not clear on to what extent this is a limit of NVC vs. being a limit of our practices of it. For NVC to offer rigid rules would not be congruent with the type of attitudes NVC hopes to foster in its practitioners. In 1973, apparently Marshall Rosenberg specifically cautioned against talking about needing something, out of a concern that this would convey an unhelpful sense of Its an emergencyI have to have this thing I say Im needing. Over the years, Marshall wrestled with how to address certain problems that he wanted NVC to be able to address, and this eventually led to Marshall including something he chose to call needs as a central feature of the model. This, at last, brings us to a point where there may be enough shared background for me to address certain of the issues you raised in your essay. DataBase of spam active IP & Email addresses. Clean communication means keeping your voice as close to your normal tone and volume as possible. If wrong carries these association, NVCs advice to be wary of moralistic language would apply, simply as an invitation to consider more deeply whether this way of thinking about things helps create the sort of world youd like to live in. First, I want to name the the idea of requiring or not requiring or forbidding, etc., are all antithetical to NVC. Real-Time Email Address Existence Validation to increase your conversion rate. As you discuss whats bothering you, describe your emotions as specifically as possible. I personally advise my students NOT to use the word need when speaking using NVC, to minimize the likelihood of such misunderstandings. Its seldom something that can be done in real time in the middle of a conversation. Regarding the differences in popularity, aside from any differences in the merits of the practices, I'll note that Rosenberg spent decades living out of a suitcase, traveling the world, sharing NVC with anyone who would listen. I remember hearing you say you would buy milk on your way home, and then you arriving home without it. This pseudo-objectivity and deep association with extrinsic motivators render such language and judgments as instruments of social and interpersonal control in ways that make conversations involving moral disagreements unsafe and fraught with challenge. I believe that condemning is not a sufficiently deep or effective mechanism for producing the sort of change that I am longing for. Youre so self-centered and only care about yourself., Your moodiness is ruining our relationship, Youre always late and its driving me crazy, Podcast #863: Key Insights From the Longest Study on Happiness, A Mans Guide to Black Tie: How To Wear A Tuxedo, A Mans Guide to Fragrance: How to Choose and Wear Cologne, How to Pick the Perfect Mens Wedding Ring, Your No-Nonsense Guide to Choosing the Right Beard Style, How to Grow a Beard: The One and True Guide, Beard Oil FAQs: Answering All Your Pressing Beardly Questions, Beard Grooming 101: The Lowdown on Products and Routine, How to Recognize a Quality Tie in 60 Seconds, Podcast #860: Get Fit, Not Fried The Benefits of Zone 2 Cardio. To me, NVC is best thought of, not as a set of rules, but as a collection of insights, to be applied in a context-sensitive way, with discernment. MFP lay out 10 commandments to follow when youre talking with your significant other. I imagine trying to express all such judgments as leading to an infinite regress, and I can't imagine how it could be viable to assert that it would be necessary or beneficial to express these. You mention Rosenberg's "suggestion that we guess what the other person is feeling and needing, which seems to assume the other person isn't capable of describing it, and therefore rather condescending." Tired and exhausted seem pretty innocent to me, with comparatively little implication that others have caused them. Avoid judgment words and loaded terms. By way of evidence that NVC's approach to anger can lead to profound transformations, I'd like to mention a domestic violence intervention programthat is based on Nonviolent Communication achieved a zero-percent recidivism rate (after 5 years) among convicted batterers, where the best conventional intervention program for this demographic is said to lead to around 40 percent recidivism. As specifically as possible the way Clean Talk examples provides a context in which the you... Offer rigid rules would not be congruent with the type of attitudes NVC hopes to foster its. Saying that `` violence is bad in some ways. say you would buy milk on your way,. With aspirational sustainability goals in which the words you quote might have been said havent been spending much... Communicator is a big miscommunication offer strategy and execution for integrated marketing communication programs, including journalism! 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